It was going onto the third day of gloomy skies and wet soil; the day started off like any usual day would, hitting the snooze button for at least five times and eating a single cracker for breakfast. The next two hours escalates into a rushed maze run towards another boring day arched over a computer screen. I try to make the hours that tick by feel fun by creating tunes as I hit my keyboard. Karen, just a cubical away crunches on her carrots and hummus whilst scanning for potential threats that may damage her privileged life. Zoni, tries to pretend that she’s not on the phone with her abusive husband and Dwayne…. Dwayne isn’t here, he’s recovering from a “flu”.
The same old drama, the same patterns distributed across this office every day. It’s close to snack time at work, my bell peppers and cream cheese with ‘everything but the bagel seasoning’ still tastes as horrible as the first day I jumped onto the trend. I crunch on those whilst scrolling through Instagram, drooling over perfect bodies and aesthetic vibes. As the evening ticks in, we all go back to our lives; of which were either sad, liberating or depressing. No words are exchanged, we exit those doors as strangers to each other, just like the way we enter.
I head home and try to do a fifteen-minute online workout that can help you lose fat in ten days and then eat half a pizza after. My boyfriend who works extra hours almost every day, comes home smelling like a pumpkin spice latte, funny…. he never loved pumpkin. We kiss, almost barely touching lips and then spend the rest of the night on our phones watching boyfriend tag videos on YouTube, he dozes off to sleep faster than he usually does. Why? this added a further thirty minutes to my sleep depriving over thinking habit.
The alarm rings and as I’m about to hit snooze for the fifth time, a bird hits my room window. I woke up in a shock, something had disturbed my usual pattern. This wasn’t something so extra ordinary but it wasn’t ordinary either. As I open the window to help the bird, I’m simultaneously opening the window to some fresh air; this feels so liberating, can breathing in fresh air really feel that good. I had time to eat more than one cracker, I even had time to dress my bed. For once, I could actually listen to the radio whilst driving to work. I rekindled my love for Coldplay and BTS has stolen my heart.
The same routine plays off at work, only this time, I have more energy; more energy to fight with Karen, Counsel Zoni and expose Dwayne; if only ridding racism, healing trauma and uncovering addictions were that simple. All I did was say something I’ve never said before, “Good morning, hope today goes well.” despite the awkward silence, I could already see the patterns changing in the room. The day carried on as usual but with different tones, I spent more time working instead of loathing and the only overthinking I did
was ask myself; “when did a bell pepper replace a bagel!?”
We walked out the door as work colleagues instead of strangers that day. Dwayne felt like hitting the café around the corner instead of the local bar, he asked if we wanted to join him. Karen was still racist and decided to pass but she did so politely, Zoni said she needed to visit a friend for some help with something, this time she wasn’t lying. I usually would slither my way out of social confrontations but on that day, I had more fresh air in my body than I had ever had.
The smell was oddly familiar, hints of cinnamon crowded the aromas, Dwayne exclaimed that the best pumpkin spice lattes are sold here.I personally felt the cinnamon came through a bit heavy but not as heavy as my chest fifteen seconds after my first sip. To my disbelief, my boyfriend was behind the counter serving coffee to sleep deprived college kids, they weren’t the only ones tired, the bags under his eyes, Cleary show from the long shifts at work. I couldn’t do it; I could not confront him in that moment.
I got home and took a shower, tears just rolled down my face. He got home smelling like cinnamon for the fifteenth night in a row. I discover one truth tonight, that he needed extra money to pay off loans; one simple truth that did not have to be hidden, one simple truth that would have given me no reason to stay up pondering at night. How many other truths will I discover in the future? I can’t tell. will he be in my future? I can’t tell that either because from the moment I took that breath of fresh air in the morning; I realized, patterns change; even if just by a slight difference, they change. My life is a pattern and it will change, I just have to embrace the ever-changing patterns because being stuck in the same one, is definitely not an aesthetic vibe 😉
Purple Empaths 